HOW do we meaningfully tell the difference between a biopsy and an autopsy? The autopsy predicates death --- To see (for) oneself ¹ --- the cause of death (or in our case, the core). Biopsy is a preventative; wherein the case is made for prevention. If, then our case must be an autopsy. These footnotes do not predicate death in the traditional sense, but this is simply not preventative. The core is already in there, it has been placed, and we cannot remove it, we cannot do preventative care;² we cannot remove the core. But so, then, is it biopsy? Often we look into the body to find a cause, to do something about it; fight to preserve life. Even in the case of hospice prognosis, we are diametrically opposed to suicide as a society.

Necropsy is performed on an animal: to see death (necro), not self (auto). We do not empathize with the animal, not even in their most vulnerable positions.³ Often the diagnostic necropsy is on endangered animals and habitats. I do not see myself as endangered, but perhaps I was once at risk. This core is an incredibly common one. It is indiscriminate blight.

I still find myself reluctant to call this an autopsy.⁴ A corpse is unfeeling; I am reluctant to call myself a corpse in this way. Feeling takes to me like a plague mark. Death is something of a hollowing that allows others to puppet your intention around. If, then is there anything to autopsy? Without a body, (what constitutes a body? the within?) there is nothing to examine, and no cause of death. There is a definitive cause here, a tangible core gone immaterial. So, maybe this is a biopsy.

But! -- I still find myself reluctant to call this a biopsy, to call myself alive. To call this preventative. The allure of saying, "I am a lost cause," is very bright. I chase that self-destructive warmth. Is this an exercise in betterment? Is art an exercise in I don't feel well so / I reach for the knife? I'm inclined to say I don't know.⁵ Can this core be cut out? Would it make things easier? Is easy good or even enviable.

So, then, should I return to the necropsy? Am I an animal? Is this deburial (delayed burial) a callous grave- digger's fascination instead of the gentle mortician's? I am as animal as anyone else, alive⁶ as anyone else, with the exception of sex. I am not drawn to sex any more than I am drawn to violence, save for my artist's fascination. That, and the exposition⁷ of the core.

Artistically, it may be more potent to invoke death rather than life. This may be an autopsy because dead bodies sell more than living ones. (Picture a billboard: COMING SOON, Look At The Murder Of A Little Girl!!! only on HBO max) But this also feels dirty, like an appropriation. Was what was done to me, this core, a murder?⁸ Furthermore, autopsies have other associations with victims; the procedural show that waits for the autopsied cause of death, the rape kit, the toxicology report. The biopsy does not share this implication; screening on other procedurals, a first step to hope.⁹ Necropsy lives in the animal, therefore no pop culture procedural connotation; lack of common interest.

An audience may be more interested in total hope or complete submersion, take your pick. Can an autopsy never spell hope? Say we catch the killer from the cause of death. In that same way, a biopsy can read as despair; stage 4 and metastatic. I am not writing to a specific audience. I have always wanted to resist audiences. But an auto/biopsy must have an audience, because it must be performed by someone other than the self. There is theater involved.¹⁰ Some biopsies are performed with the subject awake, some are not. In this sense, there is a risk of breaking the fourth wall, of me talking to you, grabbing your wrist. Typically autopsies do not involve resurrection.

Perhaps the way in which this is a biopsy is methodologically. A small tissue sample of myself to examine the core is perhaps closer than total dissection. I value brevity.¹¹ Nevertheless,

In this case I am performing
part biopsy, part autopsy; I think
yes, I am alive
and looking for that in myself.

2024, ctrl + a

<sup>1. etymology of auto & psy
2. I am not dead, not yet, but it certainly feels so.</sup>

^{3. Is death the most vulnerable position?; how then do we classify death? How are death and sex related? The French call post-orgasmic weakness La petite mort -- the little death. Perhaps, vulnerability can be connected to corpses and bodies as separate entities if we remember rape (oft overlooked).}

^{4. While it is tempting to say you're giving up hope, it is rarely romantic in practice.}

^{5. Self-destructive warmth in practice. Looking away from salvation (in practice).}

<sup>6. For something to be alive, according to biology, it must be able/strive to reproduce.
7. ex- here coming from latin (along with the rest of the word), notably present in exorcise, expose, explain, ...</sup>

^{8. see note 3
9 "Death can be considered, ultimately, a psychological phenomenon."" (Sontag, Illness as Metaphor, p.56)}

^{10. Historically, the OR was often accompanied by a literal tiered amphitheater where spectators could watch the surgeries.}

^11.

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